The 2018 MLB draft was last week and the
Chicago Cubs selected some gems, got some great value on picks and reached for others. Or something like that. I have no clue because I've never seen any of these high school and college players compete, but hey if you want a better break down head over
to FanGraphs and
ESPN's Keith Law for a better summary.
I'm here to rank the Cubs draft picks based on their names. I'm only doing the top-10,
but you can see all the players drafted by the Cubs here.
The only criteria I'm using is how cool I think these names sound the star potential based on them. Hate this list? Make your own. Think it's dumb? It probably is, but it's better than me copy and pasting some other analysis of players you'll maybe see in three years.
All right, let's go.
10. Niels Stone
Niels Stone was the 28th round pick for the Cubs. He's a right-handed pitcher and to be completely honest I thought the name was Neil, which reminded me of Neil Armstrong. Strong name association, however, it's not Neil it's Niels. Not really sure how strongly I feel about the name now, but I still like the last name.
I can imagine Niels coming out of the Cubs bullpen and his song being Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xrSH0G8kBo
Also, if baseball doesn't work out, Niels Stone doesn't have to change his name to enter the adult film industry if he so chooses.
9. Carlos Vega
Picked in the 21st round out of Southeast Missouri State, Carlos Vega sounds like the name of the best player and/or villain in a baseball movie. Normally that's a position player, but Vega is a starting pitcher, so maybe expect some brush-back pitches.
8. Cameron Sanders
Right-handed pitcher Cameron Sanders was drafted in the 12th round out of LSU and I'd like the name more if he was an outfielder because the immediate connection I make is Mike Cameron. Nevertheless, Cameron Sanders just sounds like a solid baseball name.
7. Nico Hoerner
Nico Hoerner was taken 24th overall in the draft out of Stanford and it's pretty simple here, the name Nico is short and sweet. Plus, it'd be great to have Tony Rizzo and Nico on the same team in the infield.
And you know, the t-shirt potential of "Hoerner Makes Me Horny" is great too. Not really sure why there's a sex theme so far, but there is.
6. D.J. Artis
Center fielder D.J. Artis was the seventh round pick for the Cubs and I feel like other than C.J. Edwards there haven't been many just initial name players for the Cubs. And Artis sounds so elegant as well.
I can already see the caption on Twitter for a diving play in the gap by D.J. "A work of Artis."
5. Layne Looney
Layne Looney will be a headline writer's dream come true. The 19th round selection for the Cubs is a right-handed pitcher and solely going off his name I picture him as a submarine reliever. Even if he's not, he's definitely a weird and whacky character that everyone will love in the clubhouse.
4. Jake Slaughter
How can you not love the name Jake Slaughter. Another draft pick out of LSU, he was selected in the 18th round and you have like the name more because he's a position player.
If Jake was a pitcher you'd absolutely hate to see him come in because all you would think about is how the team would get slaughtered with him on the mound.
My only concern is that the first name I thought of when I saw Jake Slaughter was Jake Fox. Remember Jake Fox? Bad. Don't remember Jake Fox. I hope Slaughter has a much better career and based on his name I think he will.
3. Itamar Steiner
Itamar Steiner was the last pick for the Cubs and although he isn't going to have a pro career, his name is awesome. He plans on going to Illinois after playing baseball at Niles North High School in Skokie.
You should really
read this story on Steiner, who is a die-hard Cubs fan and why this meant more to him after the passing of his father a few years ago.
2. Edmond Americaan
I don't care that Edmond Americaan was drafted in the 35th round. Rooting for him based on the headline potential alone. You're anti-America if you don't like Edmond Americaan.
1. Ezequiel Pagan
I mean, c'mon, this doesn't need any explanation. Ezequiel Pagan is a future All-Star.
